DEAR EGO

the ego.. 

I like to think of the ego as a survival mechanism. it is what keeps us alive.

I imagine throughout history the ego played a huge part in human survival.. to hunt, to fight enemy, to make sure there is enough to eat etc. The ego identified potential threats and kept us on alert for survival reasons- Am i safe? Am I in danger? Do i have enough? etc

So it makes sense why the ego is so important and it is there for a reason, just like our human five basic senses, our limbs, our organs. It is part of being a healthy functioning human being.

I have recently started running again, as I was running i noticed that there were two voices constantly playing in my head

one kept telling me to keep going.. one kept telling me to stop.. 

it was so loud, distracting and constant. The voices were making me more exhausted than the act of running itself. 

Of course.. I was doing something physically uncomfortable, my ego was threaten so it went all crazy on me hence the voices in my head.

and no, the ego was not just the negative voice telling me to stop, it was the “positive” voice too..

While the negative voice was dramatic and the “positive" one, was even worse- highly judgemental..

Whenever I chose to stop running, the “positive” judged and guilt me.

If you have mistaken the “positive” ego voice to be your true voice- oh you would be living in constant guilt and fear! 

After noticing the two voices during my run, I decided to stay focus in the present moment, focus on my breaths, the surrounding sounds in the park, the wind, the warmth etc.. and allowed the crazy voices to quiet down. 

Oh It felt great.. I wasn’t as tired anymore, I could run for longer.. As I toned down the voices I believe at times I was experiencing some called  “the peak state” or “flow state”..

The first couple of times I could only quiet the voice for a few seconds and they quickly flood back in.. but as I practiced more, I could quiet the voices for longer each time. 

I realised that the empty space, in between the voices, is where inspirations can come in and allow you to truly perform. 

Thanks to this aha moment during my run.. 

I began to really notice more of my ego voices in my day to day life. 

Like that tiny bitter negative ego voice that comes up from time to time when I see other people doing “better” than me or when someone did something that annoyed me..

and then I, ( the “positive” ego voice), would judged myself for it, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get rid of have these “evil” thoughts? 

but now I’ve came to know that..  the ego is a survival mechanism and it is probably never going away, for as long as you are alive. 

I’m not here to stop it or suppress it or feel bad about it… Be aware of it, notice it.. and know that your ego voices are NOT who you are.. so don’t let it take over and dictate your actions. 

The other day I got a text message that I got really offended by. I notice my ego response was so dramatic ‘ what are you trying to say? you are better than me ?’ Horrible.. it kept replaying in my head.. and I was so tempted to fight back with some passive aggressive response. but then I paused.. 

because I knew that wasn’t me.. It was my ego being threaten and ready to attack.. 

Although my ego voices kept going loud and crazy in my mind at the time, I did not let it dictate my actions. 

I also did not to judge… I dug deeper into the situation and try to understand why my ego was so threaten. and soon the voices calmed own.. and I wasn’t bothered by the message anymore.. 

I am glad that I didn’t let my ego dictated my actions and said something I would’ve regretted later on. 

Now I know, my true power lies in: 

  • the awareness to be able to differentiate my ego voices and my true self
  • taking back the driver seat while it is tempting to just let your ego (negative or “positive” to drive your decisions, your life.
  • Hit pause often..find more empty spaces, in between the voices. 
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AM I COMING FROM A PLACE OF LOVE?

Asking myself this question has been a great help in guiding me through life and I wanted to share it with you.. and hopefully it would be helpful for you too. 

Am I coming from a place of Love? 

Looking back I made many of my adult life decisions from a place of lack- fear of not being enough and trying to do things to compensate for it. 

Until the beginning chapter of starting little sketchy. Oh it felt different -a sense of satisfaction words cannot describe. I didn’t know what it was. but now I do. i felt that way because it was a decision coming from a place of love. I was genuinely curious  and inspired. I wanted to learn and play, without giving much thoughts to the outcome.  not to trying proof anything.. Just being fully present in the process. it was coming from a place of love.

A while back I also had this “dream”- I wanted to go on a big travel adventure, move far away from Perth and start a new life.

I became so attached to the idea that even the slightest change in plan I became so upset and felt complete loss of power. I wanted it so badly that it had to happen right now or never. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the “dream” itself. Travel adventure is great! moving is great too! 

But was I coming from a place of love? 

I started questioning.. ‘why do I want it so badly that it hurts.. why is thinking about this “dream” bringing me more pain than joy?’ I painted this perfect picture in my mind: if I leave my life here and be somewhere else. My life would really start..full of amazing adventure & excitement.. I would then feel a sense of freedom.

I realised, I was coming from a place of lack. 

Because I was chasing after something outside of me (in this case- moving) to fill the lack within me - freedom… I felt trapped & powerless in my life at the time then I had this perfect dream that moving away was gonna somehow made it all okay. 

I mean, is it really freedom.. when you have to wait until the stars to be aligned in a specific way on a particular day, for you to feel “free”. 


Anyway my point is.. 

I believe we are all here to create and pursue whatever that please us. While there is no judgement on your big dream (like building a business, travelling, finding a partner), Your intention. matters. Not to anyone else, but to you. You would feel it. eventually. 

 

A place of love is: Inspiration. Pure excitement. Curiosity. It is genuine. You are not proving anything to anyone. You don’t compare. You are fully present. You are doing it for you. It feels light and free. It fills you up. It sustains you. The process is the reward, not the end goal. 

 

A place of lack is: A deep sense of fear. Insecurity. Seeking something outside of yourself to fulfil your own lack. Trying to prove someone right/ wrong. Chasing after that “one day”. It is all about getting “there” even though you can’t describe where “ there” is. It feels heavy. It drains you.

Am I coming from a place of lack ? or Love? 

Keep asking myself this question has been life changing for me, it also helps me get through uncomfortable situations, like going to a big meeting, getting into a disagreement with someone.

Whatever you do, as long as it is coming from a place of love- you know you will be ok… no matter what. 

When in doubt, choose love.